The Dust Did Roar

I’m a very anxious person.

Worrying about what other people think of me, or rather what I think other people think of me, takes up far more of my life than I would like to admit. I once went a whole year without using my locker at school because it happened to be located just outside the girls change-room and I was terrified everyone would think I was a pervert.

But there is one aspect of my life that has somehow become immune to these constant thoughts of worry.

Dance.

Now, I would hardly call myself a great dancer. Even a good dancer would be a stretch. But unashamed and confident? Most certainly.

I didn’t start out this way, of course. The first time I went to a club, I had a mini panic attack while walking home convinced that every single person on that packed dancefloor could see how terrible I was.

But I kept doing it even though I was constantly aware that I had no idea what I was doing and that there was always someone else on the dance floor who clearly did know and was better than me.

At some point, I can’t exactly remember when, I began to think about why I kept dancing despite the constant fear of being judged.

I came to the conclusion that even with all the social pressure I felt and the worry that I would do the wrong thing, dancing actually made me feel good.

Becoming one with the beat, throwing my head back, mouthing the few lyrics that I actually knew.

These were small moments I no longer felt that dark presence that always appears whenever I am at my lowest.

So I finally told myself “Fuck it, who cares if others think that I’m a freak with zero coordination? I’m going to have a good time with or without their perceived approval.”

The irony of this change in attitude only became apparent several years after this moment when I was attending a friend’s wedding. I had danced for hours with friends and strangers alike, soaked with sweat, and feeling the sweet siren song of my hotel bed.

As I was saying my goodbyes to the bride and groom, they both thanked me profusely for the all the fun and ‘gees’ that I had brought to the wedding. My commitment to having fun and being unashamed to share it with those around me had made their special day just a little bit more special.

By deciding that I didn’t care if I pleased others or not, I ended up getting exactly what I wanted all along.

So like Chappell Roan said, I’m gonna keep on dancing.